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the cat show:
a healthy interest in all things feline
or cry for thorazine?
page 2 of 3
Moments later I succumb to the orbital pull of
another fanatic. This woman lives for her cats.
She has quit her job so she can spend every
waking moment with them. She rises at dawn,
eager for her day of brushing her cats' teeth
and combing their hair to begin. (Never, ever
use human paste on cats. It upsets their stomach.)
The idea of brushing my cat's teeth without howling,
squirming, blood loss...well. But she advises me to
present the cleaning to my cat as something fun
to do. Sort of talk it up. And while I massage
his gums, I must maintain the running pep talk.
Soon, she promises, my cat will look forward
to these daily moments of intimacy
almost as much as I will.
Still unsure, I move on.
A hop-skip-jump away I find yet another
proud owner pontificating. She gives her
reason for living, an Oriental longhair
named "Booger," intense spiffing before
each show. This involves three shampoo sessions,
each time using a different and very special
feline-only shampoo. That is followed by a blow-dry,
then a careful trimming around the eyes
(allowing the breed's saucer-eyed look of
perpetual accusation to truly shine). She never
allows them to groom themselves. When asked
about the accuracy of rumors that shampoos
and blow-drying are harmful for cats,
especially since they have their own
god-given (I had learned to speak their
language on previous ethnographic outings)
system for maintaining freshness,
she reasoned "how would you feel
without your regular shampoo and styling?"
Apparently she was too wrapped up in the
competition to take in my greasy split ends
and 2-inch roots. My off-color "why-do-cats-
lick-their-balls-because-they-
can-maybe-you're-robbing-your-pet-of-some-fun"
comment was left unanswered as the team's number
was called and all amiable chit-chat ceased
immediately. A few brisk, finishing-touch brush
strokes and they were off to ring number five for
the longhaired kitten competition, the crowd parting
for their importance.
I ride her wake, slipping into the last available seat
just as the games begin. One by one, the kitties are
brought forward. Baywatch. Rocket's red glare.
Miss Cleo Catra. Izzy Furreal. Rock-of-Ages
"Pyromania." Mr. Moon of Aqua Stars. San
Xavier of Inheritance. Booger. Stretch Limo.
Andromeda. All are stroked, stretched, and
examined closely by the judge, who is looking
for the traits their breeds are known for:
certain proportions, correctly placed ears,
eye position, coat quality, and over-all health
and alertness (tested by a tease
from a tinsel-tipped wand).
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